Wow! This Woman Doesn’t Need to Go Viral to Let The World Know How Awful She Is

Behind every great viral post, there’s a person with some dark secret that’s just waiting to be unearthed by the masses. Well, not Kimberly. In fact, Kimberly dreads the idea of ever going viral — she’d rather you just find out now that she’s an asshole.

“All of my past romantic partners will tell you I was manipulative and cheated constantly,” Kimberly said. “Most of my work colleagues from my last five or six jobs would jump at the chance to talk about how I constantly stole their ideas and used them to get ahead. Why should I wait until I find a barbeque potato chip that looks like the Girl with a Pearl Earring for people to discover all of that about me?”

What a maverick!

While lately it’s become commonplace for tame and sometimes even adorable or fun-loving tweets or YouTube videos to cause a stir online, only for it to be discovered later that the person behind the post has a horrible past, Kimberly finds all that effort too much work.

“I tweeted once. It was the worst decision in my life. People just kept yelling things at me I didn’t care about. All I was trying to do was say that I agreed with Ben Shapiro’s take on climate change.”

“I can confirm Kimberly is the worst,” said an anonymous source. “I worked with her for three years. She never washed her hands after going to the bathroom. One time one of our co-workers confronted her about it and she said she was too busy to be bogged down by menial tasks like that.”

When asked to confirm this rumor, Kimberly responded: “I know how to wipe myself without my fingers touching my butthole. My hands are probably cleaner than the losers flipping your burgers.”

Kimberly’s dedicated herself to letting people know just how much they should dislike her, without being tricked into thinking her dancing around in a giraffe costume is heartwarming, or sympathizing with her for finding human teeth in her Lucky Charms.

We think it’s fantastic that you don’t follow societal norms, Kimberly!

“We dated for a year,” another source revealed, “then I found out she was cheating on me… with my dad. It hurt a lot. It hurt more when she moved into my family home and insisted I call her mommy. She sold all of my high school bowling trophies online. Who even wants someone else’s bowling trophies?!”

Kimberly laughed at the anecdote, “Brian was a good kid. I should give him a call, I wonder if he’s still single. Maybe he makes more money than his dad now.”

It takes a lot of courage to defy society’s standards, and Kimberly is doing just that. In a world where most people choose to lull others into a false sense of security, be it a barely known comedian presenting a ridiculous situation that captivates thousands of people, or the wacky antics of a seemingly average person, only to pull the rug out from under them with some well-documented horrors from their past, Kimberly stands out from the rest.

“What the hell is a milkshake duck?” Kimberly asked, but she didn’t seem all that interested in learning the answer. “Look, are we done here? I’m going to miss Last Man Standing if I don’t get home soon.”

Keep on being you, Kimberly!