I Tried to Infiltrate the Church of Scientology but Accidentally Spent Six Years with Christian…

I Tried to Infiltrate the Church of Scientology but Accidentally Spent Six Years with Christian Scientists

It’s the 21st century yet people still blindly follow religious doctrine; the worst offenders being devotees of the Church of Scientology. After watching three videos about it on YouTube, I decided that it was time for the representatives of the church to answer to the allegations of their aggressiveness towards enemies of the religion and mistreatment of its members — and I elected myself to be the person to get the job done.

Unfortunately, I farted the whole thing up and ended up living with a family of Christian Scientists for six years instead.

I knew this would be a risky endeavor, but as soon as I got off my shift at Best Buy I was going to infiltrate the Church of Scientology. I was going to be a vanguard. A maverick. A martyr, if need be. I was going to get so many subscribers to my YouTube channel (JaketheSnake6669 — please subscribe!). Yeah, there have recently been a lot of documentaries outing the religion, but I haven’t watched any of those, because the credit card I used to subscribe to Netflix expired. Maybe if I had I would have realized that the Religious Technology Center is in California — and not Montclair, New Jersey.

But I wanted to know how Scientology can charm itself to so many people and radically alter their lives. I wanted to know how so many people could believe that a space alien banished trillions of souls to earth 75 million years ago. I wanted to know why John Travolta hasn’t made a good movie since the 1996 masterpiece Michael.

Stepping into the well-lit establishment, I screamed: “SHOW ME YOUR XENU!” A kindly older man walked over and asked me if I needed help. Leaving any subtleties at the door, I looked him right in the face and laughed, “DIANETICS, more like DIURETICS, am I right?” He asked me to follow him — this was it, I was being taken to The Hole!

Boy did I have egg on my face when he brought me to his office and sat me down on a couch, offering me a cup of chamomile tea.

“Do you have any parents I can call to come pick you up? Maybe a spouse?” he asked calmly.

Ah. This is how it begins, I thought. They’re going to try to recruit my entire family. I reached in my camo cargo shorts for my pocket knife, but he tased me before I could get any further. I came to five hours later, in a small bedroom with a family surrounding me. I was now in their power. They were going to audit me, brainwash me.

“Can we give you a ride home?”

They wouldn’t be that lucky — I was going to stay until they converted me. Then I would FINALLY have some good content for my new podcast, Jake and Todd’s Special Podcast (co-hosted by my rad D&D buddy Todd!).

I learned that the man’s, the OWNER’s, name was Malachai — and he seemed way nicer than articles made him out to be. This was, of course, because he was an entirely different person from David Miscavige and Christian Science is, once again, not at all the same as Scientology.

Day after day, I continued my quest. After losing my job, being kicked off my campaign (screw you, Todd!) and thrown out of my apartment by my four roommates, Malachai was kind enough to let me move in with him and his family, and I soon found myself working at the headquarters — which honestly at this point just felt like a bookstore.

I cannot stress this enough: when I say that I worked at the Church of Scientology headquarters, I was actually at a Christian Science Reading Room.

Finally, my breakthrough came, three years into my experiment: after another grueling day at work, I was sidelined by a migraine. To ease my pain I asked for some Advil — instead, Malachai and his family prayed over me. This was the moment I was waiting for, Scientology in action. But after an hour of rigorous prayer, I got pretty sleepy and don’t remember much after that. It was one of the best naps of my life, though.

Now, six years later and free at their insistence, I’m still left with as many questions as when I started. Like, why didn’t I do a quick Google search before I left my shift that day? Did you know that when you look up Scientology on Wikipedia it says “Not to be confused with Christian Science”?

It’s 2019 and we’re still letting religions dupe people. Wake up, sheeple.